I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
