Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
