i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
