If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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