So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think your dad took our porno
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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