I'm laying in your front yard are you home
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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