Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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