Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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