mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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