if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
