note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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