I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
