I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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