I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
