I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
