Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
