Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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