i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I want her autograph on my taint
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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