I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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