ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
