STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
