Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
