i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
