rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
