i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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