I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
