My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
