I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
