Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
