So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You are the jesus of drinking
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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