ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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