You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
