The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
