she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
