She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
True strength comes from lack of pants
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
