if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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