i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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