My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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