i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
