I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
