Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
