I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
