The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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