the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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