No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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