i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
