I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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