So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
