I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
