i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
