So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize