Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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