One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He felt like a one man threesome
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
