I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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