im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
