His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
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You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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